A week ago, our team took a day trip to Tirana, the capital of Albania. We explored the city, went out to eat, and went shopping at the mall for clothes. I was really enjoying the day until I went to try on clothes at H&M. I hadn't looked in a full-body mirror in weeks, so to see my reflection again felt weird. I have never liked mirrors for that reason. Mirrors are where the devil likes to make me feel insecure. Where he likes to beat me down and tell me I'm ugly. And when I was in that dressing room changing clothes, I felt him whispering those comments into my ear again. I should have prayed at that moment. I should have gone to God and asked the devil to flee in his name. I should have read the word, recited and spoken the truths he says about me. 

But I didn't. 

I just continued to let his lies fill me and make me feel bad about myself. It was like his words were too strong for me to think straight and to even think about giving it to God. 

I couldn't stop thinking about these lies the rest of the night. "You need to lose weight. You're not fit enough. You're not worthy of love. You're worthless." It came like a tsunami, hitting me all at once. I felt like hiding and crying my eyes out, but I couldn't. 

That night at dinner, I sat there almost in a daze. I just kept trying to distract myself from my thoughts with anything I could. Then I looked over and saw someone had dropped a cup of coffee that spilled all over the floor. My whole body felt gravitated towards that cup and I couldn't focus on anything else. "Go pick up the cup" is what I felt God say to me. But my flesh fought against it saying "It's fine, someone else will pick up the cup." Again, I heard "Go pick up the cup". 

But I didn't. 

Eventually, a guy came up and picked up the cup, but I immediately felt a pang in my chest. Why didn't I pick up the cup? Why am I scared of? 

Later that night, I waited for one of my friends outside of the bathroom. There was an older Albanian woman moping the floor. She let out a big sigh and looked sad. I heard God say "Pray for her." Then thoughts came rushing in of "But what if she can't understand me, what if she doesn't want to talk to me, blah blah blah." "Go pray for her" God spoke to me again. 

But I didn't. 

What is holding me back? Why can't I just obey God in his calling in the opportunities he puts in front of me? 

I felt very guilty after disobeying God's calling twice in a row. I had been asking God to present me with opportunities, and he did, but I didn't obey him out of my fear. 

The next day, I spoke with one of our mentors that came this past week named Luis. He is a full-time missionary and led multiple World Race trips. He is continuing to travel all over the world and is heading to Iran after hearing a call from the Lord 8 years ago to go there. He is very spiritually intelligent and is FULLY living for Jesus. 

I told him how God had shown me those two opportunities so clearly to follow him, but I had chosen to disobey. I told him I was afraid. Afraid of doing it wrong, of going up to people and praying for them when they don't even know me. Afraid of taking that jump, that risk. He told me his experiences and how he had felt like that too, but then he told me to just start small. He gave the example of headaches, how SO many people complain about headaches and everyone either says "Take Tylenol" or "Drink more water" but no one offers to pray for them. "Ask to pray for them. The more you pray for small things like this, the more courage you will have to pray over others and the more comfortable you will feel," is what he told me. "Keep your eyes open today. He will show you." 

So I did. 

10 minutes later, one of my friends sat down next to me during lunch and said "I haven't been feeling the best. I have a really bad headache for the first time since being here and I never get headaches." I felt a flutter in my stomach and smiled. Wow, thank you Jesus. Instantly, I prayed for her without even thinking further about it. I ended up praying for 5 other people that day for the pain they were experiencing. 

I had deeply regretted not following those opportunities God showed me in the mall that day, but if I hadn't rejected those opportunities, I wouldn't have had that conversation with Luis about praying for others. And I wouldn't have heard his insight. I love how God works out EVERYTHING for his plan, even when we reject him and don't listen to him, he continues to have mercy and grace on us. Thank you Jesus. 

So now, I'm really working on growing in my faith with the Lord. Having confidence in what I hope for and assurance in what I do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Actively TRUSTING in God and his promises that lead to action and OBEDIENCE. Believing in God, even when I can't see the results with my physical eyes. 

The night before Luis left for Romania, I spoke with him and thanked him for all the encouragement and advice he had given me. He has truly changed my perspective positively in so many areas and has motivated me to grow as a woman of God. He said to me that he can see my hunger and thirst for the Lord in growing closer with him. 

Then last night, our group leader Amanda gave a sermon on hungering and thirsting for the Lord. She asked us three questions:

• What are you full of?

• What do you crave?

• What will you eat?

I was convicted a lot thinking about the things of this world that have been filling me rather than Jesus. I want to be filled with Jesus because the more I am filled by worldly desires, the less room I have for him and I don't want that. 

Amanda pointed out a good scripture that aligned with this which is Luke 6:45 and it says “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” 

She followed by quoting Galatians 5:16 which says “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

"The mouth speaks what the heart is full of" she kept repeating. 

What is my heart full of? 

It's definitely not full of Jesus, that's for sure. I want it to be FULL of Jesus. I want to be SO focused on him that in every conversation and in every thought I have, it's about Jesus, about bringing others to his kingdom. It takes effort to get closer to God, but it's SO worth it, and right now, I am typing this to keep myself accountable. To pray more, read more scripture, worship more, and be in fellowship with the Christians around me. 

This makes me think of another thing Luis said in a talk he gave to us. He referenced the Lion King and how Mufasa tells Simba to remember who you are. How he told him to remember he is the son of the king and to take his place in the circle of life. It's the same with us Christians. 

Romans 8:17 says "and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."

As Christians, we are sons and daughters of the king, heirs to the throne. We need to take OUR place in the circle of life and REMEMBER who we are. As fellow heirs with Christ, we also share his inheritance being eternal life, the kingdom of God, and his glory, so we need to start living like it. 

Finally, there was another mentor who came to visit this week named Grace. She works with the ministry that I will be going to in the spring in Mexico where she helps with Broken Rib Coffee and an orphanage. 

She did an activity where she assigned us as either a devout Christian or a believer of another religion to "debate" each other. It was much harder than I thought to answer deeper questions about my faith as well as come up with questions for either side. This made me realize I really need to look more into why I believe what I believe, what I truly, specifically believe as a Christian, and how I should learn more about other religions and their standpoint. I need to solidify my values more so I can know who I fully am as a child of God. 

Let's just say I learned so much this week of where I need to grow as a Christian. This is EXACTLY what I've been praying for, so once again, thank you Jesus. 

I'm leaving for Italy in 3 weeks. That is CRAZY! I love Albania so much, it's gonna be sad when I have to leave. But I'm also so beyond excited for this next chapter in this journey. I've already heard a little bit about what the ministry is gonna look like in Italy. Our team will be split up into two groups in separate areas in the town of Isernia, Italy. We will share the gospel to high school students and after two weeks of doing that, we'll come back together. I'm still doing ministry in Katjel with the kids and our relationships have been forming more than ever. I will miss them a lot when we have to go, but I'll keep praying for them as well, that the small seeds that we planted will sprout into something bigger. 

Thank you for reading this extra long blog post. I'm thankful for every one of you! Please pray for safety and courage as we live out these last three weeks in Kotodesh. Love you all! 

God bless, Hailey <3