Vulnerability.

That is the word God has been highlighting to me over and over again this past week. It's something I've always struggled with and I'm trying to get better at it, so with this post, I'm going to be more vulnerable and share some thoughts on my mind and emotions I've been experiencing.

To be honest, this past week has been a little tough for me. I have been struggling to believe that I'm truly making an impact of some sort here. Yes, I'm doing ministry by spending time with the kids and building relationships, but I haven't shared the gospel once since being here. I feel like I've almost been held back from being able to do so because of the culture here and how Muslims aren't easily able to accept the truth due of their current beliefs. I want to do more and I feel like I NEED to be doing more since I only have a limited amount of time here and I want to spend it the best way I can. I've been brainstorming ways I can introduce the gospel more to them to allow them to open their hearts up to it more, but I still feel stuck. Lord, please just show me what else I should be doing or what I can be doing to lead people to you.

I've also been struggling with figuring out what my purpose is here and why God sent me here. In the beginning of this journey, I was simply being obedient and following the Lord's call. I'm still trying to be obedient now and listen to the Lord's voice with what I should be doing, but I can't seem to hear him or feel pulled in any sort of direction. I know the Lord is moving in my life, even if I can't see it, but why is it so hard to trust in him and have faith that he's working out everything as it should be? I sometimes wish I could just take the scroll from his hand and reveal the timeline of my life; the tasks he wants me to fulfill, places he wants me to go, and people he wants me to know.

But I can't do that.

So... now is when I continue to have faith, belief, and trust. Just follow Jesus, is what I keep telling myself, and everything will unfold just as it should.

Of course, the devil can't seem to want to leave me alone. I've been feeling really insecure in my body with how I look physically. I've always had a hard time loving myself and the way God made me. I hate that I think this way because I know the Lord has blessed me with such a healthy, good body that can run, jump, climb, and dance. But somehow, I still tend to find myself basing my worth off of how I look. Repeating scripture has been the one thing that has been helping me combat these lies. When I was younger and I experienced some of these same thoughts, I never realized how much power scripture and just the name Jesus has over Satan. When I recite scripture and pray in Jesus' name now against his attacks however, I feel like I'm using a super power. Just by saying the words, the negative thoughts fade away and I feel so much more at peace and content with myself. Thank you Jesus for giving us this power and authority with your name ALONE over the devil.

Because I've been feeling and experiencing all these things, I've felt pretty homesick. It's difficult being here, away from my family and everything I've ever known my entire life. I miss laughing about stupid things with my siblings, ranting to my parents, getting competitive in card games, and hugging each of them. I miss my backyard where we played corn hole, did cookouts, and where I read in the hammock. I miss my bedroom and the peace of solitude it brought me.

Soon enough, I'll be back home. This first month has already flew by and I know the next 8 will too. But even though I miss all these things deeply, I want to stay here and I know I need to. I'm still trying to discover my role here and each day, I see God showing me little by little how he wants me to step up and lead. How he wants me to be an example and shining light to others. Who he wants me to speak with and what conversations he wants me to have. I'm trying to enjoy the journey rather than long only for the destination. Because the true beauty of it all really does come from the progress made and the satisfaction of seeing growth over time.

One last thing that I've learned about myself is that I need to stop waiting for others. Waiting for their approval or timing. I need to start ACTING more in my life. When I see something, FEEL something from the Lord, and I know its from him, it need to not think and just do. It's weird because sometimes I'll see or hear something where I feel like no one else can seem to see or hear it and its like all time stops and God is just revealing that thing to me in the moment. And I know I should do something with what he showed me, but then I think too much about what others will think of me or if it's actually me that should act upon it. And then, I end up doing nothing. It actually makes me frustrated with myself that I care so much about what others think of me that it prevents me from doing what God wants me to do. Jesus, please help me to be a doer and not a thinker. An actor and not a planner. Help me to get out of my head for once and just live. Live and walk in your footsteps fully. It's not that deep so I need to stop acting like it is.

Apart from all my thoughts, I want to share the great things that have been happening here. First off, it got cold here, FAST. Yesterday, we went to the capital of Albania, Tirana, and went shopping to get warmer clothes thank the Lord. It's just crazy how even though we are across the world, the weather still feels the same as it would at home in the fall.

As a team, we are continuing to grow closer to each other and learn more about each other each day, but I still believe there is more bonding we could do all together. This leads me back to vulnerability, a value that our team needs to become more intimate with each other. In time, I hope we can get to the point where we are able to open up more and share our deeper thoughts and emotions. my vision for all of us is that we become a family. I don't just mean the family that is able to co-exist with each other though. I mean the family that is able to comfort and love one another through all of our faults, struggles, and experiences. I want us to be more united so that we can be for each other even more than we already are. And then through that, we will better be able to fulfill our common mission here: sharing the gospel and showing the love of Jesus to others.

As always, I'm ending in prayer requests. I would love if you could pray for anything I mentioned above because those things honestly have been the biggest thoughts swirling my mind. But also, please prayer for our leaders and mentors here. They have a lot of responsibility and I know it can get challenging with all the tasks they must do and how they have to endure our sometimes troublesome group. Pray the Lord will continue to give them wisdom and strength as they lead us. Also, pray for the children we are ministering to that their hearts and minds might open up to our words and to Jesus. Thank you all for your consistent support! Love y'all!!

God bless, Hailey <3